The Pressure of Perfection | How to Overcome the Burden of Perfectionism

 What's so wrong with trying to be perfect? After all, perfect is, well, perfect.

The problem with perfectionism isn't that you want to be great at everything you do. You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. 

The problem is in the motivation. High achievers are motivated to excel and do their best simply because they want to do great work. Perfectionists are often motivated by feelings of anxiety and fear of failure. Perfectionism can feel SO paralyzing and overwhelming. Perfection is also a great way to procrastinate. These feelings follow you around and create unnecessary stress in all areas of your life. <<< FACTS!

Overcoming the burden of perfectionism doesn't necessarily mean achieving less or lowering your standards. However, recognizing and coping with perfectionist tendencies can significantly improve your happiness and even the quality of your work.

Am I a Perfectionist?

Perfectionism is the overwhelming desire to be, feel, and appear perfect. Society mainly views perfectionism as a good thing— a positive attribute. But underneath the glossy veneer, many perfectionists suffer from the harmful effects. 

Perfectionists have incredibly high personal standards and are overly critical of themselves. They tend to fixate on flaws and don't want to accept anything less than perfection. They hold themselves and others to impossibly high standards in an effort to maintain control of their environment and the people around them. 

By the way, this doesn't work. The only thing we can actually control is ourselves. PERIOD.

Are you a perfectionist? Look out for these telltale characteristics:

All or Nothing Thinking

Perfectionists and high achievers alike work hard to achieve lofty goals. However, if their goals aren't completely met, a high achiever can be satisfied with the knowledge that they worked hard and did good work. Alternatively, perfectionists can't be happy with anything less than perfection. In their eyes, an A- is a failure.

Unrealistic Standards

Setting unreasonable goals is another sign of being a perfectionist. Some people can set high goals and enjoy the challenge. Perfectionists, on the other hand, frequently set their goals way out of reach. When they don't achieve their impossible goals, they're left feeling like a failure and beat up on themselves consistently.

Perfectionists sometimes set unrealistic standards for other people as well. When their friends, coworkers, and loved ones don't live up to the standard, it creates friction in the relationship.

Fear of Failure

Nobody LIKES to fail, but perfectionists have a greater fear of failure than the average Jane. They only care about the final result— anything less than 100% perfect is a failure in their eyes. (Ummmm...what is perfection exactly? Isn't it subjective??)

If the end result is all that matters, then failure IS scary. If you have a hard time accepting "failure" and appreciating the process (even when you did your best and did a fantastic job), you're a perfectionist. 

This leads into…

Procrastination

Procrastination doesn't usually lead to productivity, so it may seem counterintuitive that perfectionists tend to procrastinate. 

The reality is that perfectionists are so afraid of failure that they become paralyzed and put off starting tasks. Are you ever so worried that you'll do something imperfectly that you don't do it at all?

Low Self-Esteem

You would think that any high achiever would have high self-esteem. That isn't usually the case with perfectionists. 

Somebody with a perfectionist personality is very self-critical, and that often leads to low self-esteem. Perfectionists may also isolate themselves or push people away because they're overly critical or don't feel worthy. 

Ladies, you deserve better! You're a damn QUEEN!!! Don't you forget it.

How to Overcome the Burden of Perfectionism

Practice Positive Self Talk

You know that annoying little voice in your head? The one that says you aren't good enough, you're not trying hard enough, that YOU aren't good enough? 

Yeah, me too. And I HATE that voice. I call her my IA (inner asshole).

Those of us who live with a little extra anxiety know this voice well. Even if you aren't saying those negative thoughts out loud, negative self-talk is very real and very destructive. To overcome perfectionism, you need to work on changing that voice. 

How you speak to yourself, internally or our of your mouth, truly does matter.  You know you can hear yourself, right?

Unfortunately, stopping these intrusive thoughts is easier said than done. Ok, maybe you can't immediately prevent those thoughts from forming in your brain, but you CAN combat them with positive self-talk. 

When you catch yourself thinking something negative, DISRUPT it.

Stand up. Shake your body. Say something out loud like, "That is not true about me at all. Not even a little bit." It may feel strange at first but the more you disrupt a pattern, the easier it is for your brain to see the roadblock and make a new pathway. Hello neuroplasticity!! Disrupting your self-talk will greatly impact your happiness and sense of fulfillment. For some helpful tips on positive self-talk (and some badass mantras you can repeat in the mirror), check out this article.

Focus on the Positive

This tip goes hand in hand with positive self-talk. Perfectionists tend to ruminate on the negatives and forget to appreciate the positives. 

Let me also be clear. I am not saying be HAPPY all the time. Happy is an emotion and emotions are fleeting.  I am talking about having an underlying hum of positivity in your mind.  The feeling of knowing you have gotten through 100% of your hardest days so far is something that can help. Also remember that when the sky is cloudy, the sun is still above the clouds and it will shine again.

Say you worked on a project that didn't go 100% to plan. You can see it as a failure OR you can do what is called "fail forward". Take the opportunity to learn from the mistakes you made and feel proud of the things that went right. It is still forward movement.

Instead of saying, "that didn't work, I failed, etc.," find three things that DID work. List them out and feel proud of all that experience has taught you. When someone else you are working with goes through the experience, you will also have actual knowledge of how to help them "fail forward" too!

It sounds kind of silly, but taking the time to seek out the positive can really shift your thinking. Over time it'll become a habit.

Another way to guide yourself towards focusing on the positives and practicing positive self talk is through journaling. Not sure where to start? Grab my free journal prompts here! 

Learn to Deal with Criticism

If hearing critical feedback makes you defensive, angry, or shamed, take a moment to get curious about why you feel these things. Criticism is a tough but inevitable part of life. And we ALL need it. 

Perfectionists are extra-sensitive to criticism. In the mind of a perfectionist, anything less than spectacular is bad; in reality, less than perfect doesn't = bad! Facing up to the less-than-perfect aspects of our work allows you to grow and do even better next time. We all need a little push sometimes, and we need feedback from others in order to grow.

Perfectionism can be a heavy burden to carry, but it is possible to overcome it with time and by setting realistic goals, practicing self-compassion, and seeking support from others. Remember, perfection is an illusion. It simply isn't real.

Take a step towards growth and join the Women Out Loud community today. Here, you will find a supportive group of women who understand the struggles of perfectionism and can help you on your journey toward self-acceptance and personal growth.